This post was written by myself, and published first on my first ever blog- http://www.dancingwithenvelopes.wordpress.com- on 10th August 2017.
Introduction:
Reflective insights into various journaled moments throughout different periods of lived experience, across the years, may be utilised via a type of spoken word time travel, to reveal truth and experience still very much valid today as it was then, and I believe it can enable anyone to reconnect with the misplaced fragments, belonging to a self which went on to be broken so much, that who you were then, and still are, but slightly differently, and slightly further on in your life’s later chapters, where things have changed a great deal, but the power of words never really will!
My allotment as a symptom of a mind grown too wild:
Currently, if the state of my allotment and garden were recognised by the medical profession, as being acceptable diagnostic tools for determining state of mind, and a certified means of determining a ‘healthy psychological bill of health’, then i’d make easy work for any kind of Psychiatrist, I imagine.
Over the past six months, there have been many different events, stresses, overgrown and domineering thoughts, which have accumulated without due intervention and control, in my mind, wrecked havoc on my mental health, and my ability to ‘see’ or ‘think’ clearly. I’m thankfully beginning to make progress, towards the goal of recovery in mental, and physical health, now.
Part of this journey towards recovering, has included suddenly being able to notice, and reflect on things again. This is both good and bad- it’s reassuring and hopeful to realise I must be moving away from a negative place, because I can suddenly see quite clearly, the areas of my life and the passions enjoyed through living, which have suffered neglect.
It’s daunting, to be able to look at the overgrowth, the ‘jungle’ left to grow wild, and the flower beds without flowers, which currently shape the canvas of my allotment. Yet at the same time, it is exciting and positive, when taking into account the ‘bigger picture’ this paints. The garden endeavors.
Hinting at the prospect of the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’, nearing achievement of wellness, I have to concede, while humbling, and fairly worrying, the realisation there is a mess to address, left in the wake of my mind’s little rampage and attempt at self-destruction, surely surpasses the short term moment of panic, in this story.
Imagine if all of us busy, full time working, thinking, feeling, hearing, social networking, living, breathing, sleeping people in this world, were able to find the time and the resources to be able to ‘dig for victory’ for our mental and physical health. Then have the means to look back at the ever shifting landscape of a garden/outdoor space, which we create, sustain and maintain over a number of years.
It’s funny to wonder if this would put Psychiatrists, Doctors, Therapists, self-help books and more, out of a job!
Obviously, there are practical obstacles which get in the way of having time to tend to nature- work, and living in a flat/having no outdoor space, coming to mind first as being just a few of them.
It’s all well and good knowing that ‘to spend time outdoors’, in ‘fresh air’ and with Radishes growing out of your fingernails, thriving and surviving by remaining in touch with nature’, as a means to recovering mentally and physically from illness.
But there are times of such debilitating illness and brokenness, disability and despair, where one might find that, agonisingly and frustratingly, almost cruelly, and certainly, terrifyingly, where life finds you unable to even fit a plantpot on your windowsill, or hospital bed, for that matter, if you tried.
But there are ways– and you know what they say about ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way’… Personally, I think that saying works out both ways around- where there is a way, there will be a will.
But the challenge is not minimal; we often need outside help and support, to help us even believe in the existence of a ‘way’, before we can then use, as of yet unknown, and still to be revealed, the tools with which we can utilise, to align our will to the pursuit of working through such discovered ‘way’.
Sometimes, life’s terms do show up in harshness.
It is genuinely okay to acknowledge this, and validate your own feelings and experiences, instead of desperately trying to deny yourself that right to feel stuck.
In my own experiences, I have certainly found times where I have to do this, and I doubt I am at all the only one.
Having the will to work towards the way in the first place, feels more like an oppressive reminder, of just how hard it can be to regain that will/motivation/drive, when you’ve lost sight of what it even means, feels like, or represents.
‘Will’ or ‘willpower’. The idea that you might need this first, before you can make your way to progress, might serve only to make someone feel more powerless, more trapped.
‘Means’ or ‘way’. As it happens, even when there isn’t a will, there is still a way. Sometimes, we know of many such ‘ways’ already.
Gloomy as it sounds, it’s actually an indication that a journey or chapter in your story-
When it hurts, observe, life is trying to teach you something…
When I have found myself ‘lost’ in the petrifying stomach of Depression, or other such ‘adventures’ in mental illness, I am only too aware of WHAT I have to do, to reignite the wick which fires up my will.
It’s possible to experience the duality of being both aware, and willing, and at the same time being too unable, and debilitated.
Sometimes, we need a bit of help, when emerging, confused, scared, and downright vulnerable.
As it happens, we do still know, deep within us, what ‘the way’ is. It’s never this straight forward (typically) though, we come to understand.
At such times, it’s powerful to remember, the tale of ‘footprints in the sand’, where at times, through tracing back along the full length of the printed path, two sets of footprints in the sand, become only one.
Which turns out to reveal, how you were walking along, all this time through life so far, across sands, with a set of footprints beside your own- those made by the spiritual being, guardian angel, God of your understanding, higher, protective and loving energy/power- footprints marked by faith, and where the timeline alters visually, showing only one set of footprints, which you may initially believe to be your own, through the darkest moments in life, are in fact, not marked by the imprints of your lonely march, and worn out feet, but rather, the footprints belonging to your faith, and spiritual guide, whilst they carried you in their loving arms, when your strength and capacity to go on, were too compromised- temporarily– so your belief in something more, lifted and walked you above the floor.
Mind-in-motion 