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‘Gaslighter’

‘Abuse’-

What exactly constitutes this verb which everyone has surely heard about at some point in life? Some may be more fortunate to have only heard the word spoken in conversation, through stories told by survivors, people who know of survivors, stories and news reports you see on television, media, advocates and those who speak to raise awareness on the matter, charitable organisations, training, eduction, work, or even just the public use of the word which, sadly, is a frequent word we hear.

Others may have different experiences and understandings. Some of those include the less fortunate among us, who have had to learn about what ‘abuse’ actually means, especially when, as victims themselves, they might have had the gradual realisation process through which they ‘realise’, escape the strange comfort of denial and accept that what is happening to them is wrong.

It may even have been plain obvious at the start of a relationship, but for various and complex reasons, they don’t escape or report their perpetrator(s) straight away.

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Cutting to the chase, we learn of what different types of ‘abuse’ consist of.

◦ Emotional abuse

◦ Physical abuse

◦ Controlling behaviour

◦ Coercive control

◦ Financial abuse

◦ Sexual violence

◦ Online bullying and harassment

◦ Image based abuse

◦ Stalking and Harassment

◦ Cyberstalking

◦ Forced marriage

◦ Gaslighting

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You can find out more about each of these forms of abuse by visiting helpful websites and resources such as:

https://refuge.org.uk/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

https://www.salvationarmy.org.uk/domestic-abuse

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‘Gaslighting‘

The focus of this post today is to explore ‘gaslighting’. It’s commonly misunderstood and difficult to understand and define. As a survivor myself, when beginning to reach our for support and understanding, ‘gaslighting’ as a form of abuse was one I had to think quite hard about.

How to make sense out of it

Some others might find it confusing when described in words alone, too. It’s when you begin to notice and question the behaviour of your perpetrator, and why you feel so dumbfounded about what is ‘real or unreal’, ‘true or false’, is it you ‘going mad’, ‘misinterpreting events’, or are your instinctive feelings which tell you otherwise to be believed?

Reality distorted

‘Reality’ itself becomes so perplexing and uncertain. You can’t trust your own mind to tell you the ‘truth’ anymore. Your own ‘mind’ is gradually infected by a progressive disease by which is inflicted upon you by your controlling abuser.

What does this look and sound like?

Here are some examples of commonly used phrases from my own experiences, which may help you make sense of your own:

‘You must have just had a flashback, none of that (what you remember was done to you) happened. Have you taken your meds?’

‘You were the one who started hitting me first, not the other way around’

‘I think your mental health is getting worse, you’re having delusions. You should seek help.’

‘Have you got psychosis?’

‘Don’t you remember you wanted me to strangle you during sex, I was just doing what you asked for’

‘I was the one who saved you from hurting yourself, don’t you remember it was you wanting to harm yourself first, so I had to restrain you on the floor’

‘Whenever you see your friends, you come back all distressed, can’t you see they are lying to you because they are jealous and resentful of your happiness with me?’

‘I know you feel unsafe about being attacked or hurting yourself when you go out alone. That’s why I won’t let you go out without me there to protect you.’

‘You’re safe with me. I’ll always look after you. Even when you get a bit confused and don’t see it, I’m never going to leave or give up on you’

‘Other people tell me that you’re manipulating me. But don’t worry, I know you wouldn’t do that’

‘You don’t remember because you were drunk. But I put you in those ‘sleepers’ because you were trying to leave and then attacked me’

‘Ok, I’ll stop. You’re ‘the boss’, I’ll just cuddle you instead.’ … 5 minutes later, the unwanted sexual advances and groping starts again. 30 ‘nos’ later, you give up. Therefore you ‘did actually want it, and consented.’ You lie there feeling violated and exhausted, giving yourself a hard time for ‘giving in’ and letting it happen. You stopped trying to stop him, so you start to believe his version of the ‘truth’.

‘I gave you that vodka and those drugs to help you out. I was making you feel better, why aren’t you thanking me?’

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For me, it was when I realised how utterly trapped, helpless and uncertain about if this is wrong, if it’s right, why you feel so distressed, why you start to feel like the perpetrator yourself.

He was using the vulnerabilities he knew about me, like my history of mental illness and self harm, my susceptibility to emotional blackmail and self doubt, as a tool to make his lies more believable. It worked, he was cleverer than he made himself out to be.

The realisations about how manipulative and calculating he had actually been all the way through the relationship, were hard hitting rather heartbreaking, and served to make me feel like some kind of ‘idiot’.

It took time for me to accept and forgive myself for being a victim, under the thumb of a devious narcissist.

It was soon after this that I started to become ‘free’ and believe in my own sanity again. It’s tough, but once you know, you KNOW. You don’t have to be a victim either, you can survive this and break free. My advice? Accept all the help that you possibly can. Reach out to services. Dare yourself to speak. I promise you its worth it.