I’ve learned a new lesson, which is a beautiful thing. I’d like to share it with you, although many of you may hopefully have found out this lesson for yourselves already. That’s wonderful, but I’d love to reaffirm it.
After going through a profuse series of traumatic life events, and struggling my way through many years, lost, confused, helpless and frustrated, I finally realised something within myself had to change.
For years, I’d wasted away wishes, looking to life itself to ‘give me a break’. Particularly over the past 6 years, the onslaught of luckless events have been inflicting themselves upon my reality and world relentlessly. I kept asking: ‘when is life going to stop being so cruel!?’, if these events were supposed to be teaching me some kind of ‘lesson’, or were all ‘happening for a reason’, then why was it ‘reasonable’ to crush me so many times, so frequently? What was the meaning of all this!?
After suffering from multiple rapes, the loss of my most wonderful and beloved Mother, the loss of house and home, my career, annihilation through drug addiction and alcoholism, getting sectioned, giving birth to my baby girl who was taken away from me just two hours after her birth, two abusive relationships, a miscarriage, getting robbed and mugged, having to serve what felt like an 18 month prison sentence in a terrifying ‘specialist’ psychiatric unit, facing bankruptcy, and losing so many friends…
I began to think that life was out to get me.
But then, something inside me changed. It happened during recent weeks, at which point I felt like I’d fallen pretty far down into the pit of rock bottom, again, and I had the revelation.
Life itself isn’t actually so much a ‘conscious entity’, which is capable and/or inclined to inflict your fate upon you, or decide what happens to you, of it’s own accord. If life could be compared to any kind of intelligent and intentional ‘macrocosm of a mind’, which played games or micromanaged the fate of all living things within it, then how could it even possibly be expected to take on the role of dictating the days of each and every living thing within the realm of possibility?
Life isn’t there to write my story for me, and I’m surprised I actually once believed my own one life alone, would have so much significance against all others, that such time would be invested in ‘giving me a hard time’, how would life have time or need or reason to do that?
Life is actually waiting for me to change what happens. Life isn’t doing all these things to me ‘on purpose’. Many of the challenges may well have been out of my control, but I’m still the one who has to decide where this story is going to go.
Somewhere along the lines, I lost sight of the fact that you can write your own history, you decide to make things change and happen, and you hold the pen which is ready to start writing new chapters.
I can narrate the ‘twists’ in my story, and from now on, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I shall both ride and become the storm.
Now give me back my pen!
Mind-in-motion 